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The Response Impact

September 27, 2018 by  
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“When you can’t control what’s happening; challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening!  That’s where your power is!

Far too often, we work from a place of reaction versus a proactive approach.  Whether we have a bad day or good day is often dependent on the situation or person involved versus it being about how we CHOOSE for the day to be with respect to it being a good one or a bad one.

How many of you have seen someone with a severe disability yet seems to have a positive outlook on life and their personal situation and we have said to ourselves, “I could never have that positive attitude in that situation!” or “I couldn’t deal with that!”

or

Someone we know recently lost a loved one or they lost their only stream of income and seem to be coping quite well in spite of their circumstances and thought to ourselves…”I could never handle it as well as that person.”

All of us are human and none of us are exempt to unforseen occurances, yet we all have the CHOICE as to how we will respond to those situations.  We can think of a few individuals who were dealt a heavy blow in life and yet live or lived a positive life.  For example, Franklin Roosevelt who was paralyzed from the waist down from Polio BEFORE running for office.  Oprah Winfrey who was molested from the age of nine years old and conceived a child of rape at the age of fourteen and in spite of that is now one of the highest paid individuals in the world with a heart to serve others in the process.  Or Sylvester Stallone who at birth due to an accident during labor caused him paralysis in his face which affected his lips, tongue and chin which contributes to his slurred speech and deformity in his face…did he succumb to that incident?  No he used it to propel him to stardom with the Box Office Rocky Series and used those disabilities to create the character of Rocky!  And the list literally goes on and on.

We can choose to be a victim or to be victorious in spite of our situations and regardless of how inspired we are by others who choose to take adversity and use that as fuel for triumph; when faced with the slightest uncomfortability…we shrink.  Why?  For some, we just have to work harder at programming our minds to think words such as I CAN, COMMIT, UNSTOPPABLE!  So here are some tips that work, even for those who inspire others:

Do’s

  1.  Prayer: I am a firm believer in the MOST HIGH!  What you have as a deficiency…he replenishes and gives in abundance.  NEVER go in prayer with doubt.  Always go with the mindset that HE is all capable and you have been equipped with all that is necessary to complete whatever task is before you.  Also remember…HE appears to you how YOU see him.  So if you see him as the all end be all, that is how he will appear.  However, if you come in doubt, don’t be surprised when the thing you are praying for does not come to fruition and the response to whatever is before you will be more of an obstacle versus something to propel you to higher levels.
  2. Believe: Believe that you are ENOUGH!  You need nothing more but what your life experiences and education has brought you thus far.   If there is more to be learned; just as you did before…you WILL learn it.  You are equipped.
  3. Surround yourself with like minded individuals.  If you are around nay sayers and doubters and those who respond negatively to life in general, so shall you be!  If you do not have that within your circle; limit the amount of time you spend with those with that type of mindset.  It WILL effect you and not in the way in needs to.  To replace that, read books that are written by those who have come through from the other side, knows what it is to push through and use that information to assist in your journey of creating the CAN DO mind and the mind of it is not the situation, but rather how I respond to it!

Don’t

  1. Never relinguish to others what only YOU can hold!  Only you can control what your thoughts are.  No one has to know them, no one can strip you of it unless you CHOOSE to give that type of power away to someone else.  If someone is speaking negatively over what you can and cannot do or accomplish; utilize the favorite quote…”I can show you better than I can tell you.”  If you look at the time of slavery, or in the cases of domestic abuse.  It is not the physical abuse of the body that the oppressor seeks to control, it is the MIND!  That is because once the mind is under control, the need for abuse will be unnecessary.  The abuse is just a means to an end…mind control!
  2. Never look at yourself as a victim!  A victim mindset will always look to others to fix it and make things right.  You can determine that by your thoughts and how you choose to respond to trauma, a negative experience and so on.  You are not defined by that moment, you are however defined by how you choose to respond by asking yourself…what was the lesson in that moment?  What can I take away that can empower me and others?  How will I use this negative experience to strive to be the best version of myself and be not just a survivor, but an OVERCOMER?
  3. Never think that you are in control of life!  Only one is and that is not you or I.  When you realize that, it removes the pressure of that and just allows you to focus on what you can control and that is your responses.  No time wasted, just time and energy on what you can control because your thoughts precede your actions; negatively or positively!  Elevate your mind and the body will follow!

Is this process easy?  For some no, in fact for most…No!  However, the mind is like any other muscle in your body…it can be trained and if trained and used enough, it will conform to the new look you are seeking.  Keep these things in mind:

  1. Think of the origin of what you are feeling:  Is it coming from a place of hurt, pain, or anger.  Address that within yourself FIRST and then address the other person or situation so that you will give it its proper emotion and more importantly…the proper response!
  2. Examine the outcomes of your responses: Are the positive responses or negative ones.  For every action there is a reaction so what reactions are you receiving from your responses?  If negative, look at ways in which you are saying things.  Analyze if was something that required your response at all.
  3. Think of the person you want to be…not the person you are currently working on: We are all a work in progress!  Keep the end result in mind and work backwards!

If you do not plan, you plan to fail.  So after reading this…ask yourself the following Self Reflective questions:

  1. What will you do differently to respond to negative events/situations that may come your way?
  2. What will be your step by step process in order to accomplish the best response possible? 

Getting Emotional About Emotional Intelligence

August 23, 2018 by  
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“I can’t believe I said that.  What was I thinking?”

“I didn’t mean what I said, I only said that because I was angry.”

“When I get upset, I lose it and anything and anyone is liable to get it.”

Or how about…

“I can’t control my emotions; I just say what comes to my mind at the time no matter how bad it is.”

This is a clear sign of an individual who has not mastered themselves, their emotions; thus lacking Emotional Intelligence! You may ask, what is Emotional Intelligence?  Emotional Intelligence is the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.

When one does not have Emotional Intelligence, it can damage personal and professional relationships as well as the relationship that matters the most and that is your Spiritual Relationship with your creator. However; on the contrary, for those who have mastered the ability to control their emotions…the positive impact is key to personal, professional and spiritual success.

There are two categories with respect to achieving Emotional Intelligence and that is:

Personal Skills and Competencies

Social Skills and Competencies

Personal Skills and Competencies

Self Awareness and Self Mastery

  1. When one is aware of self, one knows their triggers. When a person is aware of their triggers they can learn when to walk away before a situation escalates. This does take practice; however, if one wants to master Emotional Intelligence this is something that if done over time…can be a personal deficiency that one can overcome. If you know your trigger words, if you know what your body feels when a situation is getting out of hand then you can MASTER the art of walking away!

Self Regulation

  1. My mother used to say, “when you know who you are dealing with, you act accordingly.” In essence, you can adapt to certain individuals if you know how they operate. Knowing how one operates allows you to have an upper hand so that what once would have been a trigger is now your weapon of defense. You have taken the sting out of what could have been a potentially toxic situation by becoming desensitized to it due to being prepared.   This allows you to develop self control.

Motivation

  1. When you achieve something that at one time you felt was impossible…i.e. Emotional Intelligence, it gives you motivation to continue that good behavior. You realize you are developing good character and self control which is a reason to feel motivated and inspired. It also supports the idea of commitment; commitment to continue this course of action.  This is truly transformational.

Social Skills and Competencies

Empathy

  1. Hurt people; hurt people! When you can empathize with someone else then you can ignore certain behaviors. Our society promotes having to have the last word and not letting someone have a “one up” on you. In reality being able to walk away shows strength!  When you can put yourself in someone else’s shoes even in their darkest hour says much more about you then the person who is the oppressor.  This is also an opportunity to be a wayshower to those who have never seen what that looks like.  This brings life to the phrase, “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.”  Develop others while you are developing yourself.

Social Skills

When you master Emotional Intelligence it allows you to learn skills that for some they will never learn in a lifetime and that is Conflict Resolution and Collaboration and Cooperation. This also develops Leadership Skills.  This brings about an opportunity to strengthen your position and not your argument.  Articulate how you feel, not show it in a negative way.  This helps you to be the change agent.  As Ghandi said, “be the change you want to see in the world.”  There can be no conflict if you do not take part in it.

When you continue to strive to master Emotional Intelligence, you learn to manage and lessen negative relationships with others, yourself and your Lord. The negative impact that it has when you choose to give in at every comment or action made against you looks like this:

Say things that are hurtful vs. helpful: We have all said things that we wish once they have exited our mouths; it could be taken back. Words hurt, damage and can even kill.  Even if not physically which we know can happen; the internal damage to the soul can actually kill a person to the point of being in essence the Walking Dead.

Allow Shayton (Satan/Devil) to take control: When you don’t master yourself; someone else will. Our sworn enemy will use this as long as he sees this is a weakness within you.  Not having Self Control or Emotional Intelligence will cause you to do things that are not pleasing to our creator which will be something we will have to answer for eventually.  The absolute goal of the devil.  You would never follow the footsteps of an open enemy, so think about this each time you want to give in to your “emotions.”  Ask yourself, if I do or say this…who am I really following?

Oppressive to others: This is something that even God has made impermissible to himself. Although he is control of ALL creation, he never oppresses them and thus have commanded us not to as well.  Being oppressive to another one of God’s creation can and will only hurt YOU in the end.  Whether you believe in “you reap what you sow” or “karma”…either way, you will pay for that action, so be clear to make a good spiritual reputation with others and our Lord.

Damage Relationships: Ever realize after doing or saying something damaging to a friend, spouse or colleague…the relationship is never quite the same? When we fail to display Emotional Intelligence we damage relationships and at times we don’t have the opportunity to make it right ever again.

Personal Stress/Poor Health: When you allow yourself to be controlled by our open enemy and you are screaming, yelling and fighting it can cause heart complications and high blood pressure…all things that can cause tremendous health issues and worst; death. Is what that person said or did worth your very life?

Here are some tips to help overcome being reactive versus being proactive:

  • Pay attention to how you react/behave
  • Take ownership for your behavior
  • Acknowledge your emotional “triggers”
  • Healthy eating
  • Positive Thinking
  • LISTEN (Active Listening)
  • Avoid complaining/drama
  • Read Qur’an, Islamic Studies or Self Help Books, Listening to Motivational Lectures & Speakers
  • Surround yourself with others who are Emotionally Intelligent-Study their behaviors/responsesSo get EMOTIONAL about Emotional Intelligence so that it can motivate you towards positive change.

 

  • So in closing, we cannot simply pray for Emotional Intelligence…it is something that we have to also work towards in order to HONOR that prayer of wanting to be a better person. Allah (God) says that he does not change a condition within a people until they FIRST change it within themselves. In other words, once he sees the effort…he will make it easier for you.

5 Steps To Getting Out Of Your Own Way

July 25, 2018 by  
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“I’m going to start eating healthy.” “I’m going to start working out.” “I’m going to start repairing my credit and finances.” “I’m going to make better choices with respect to choosing a life partner.”  “I’m going to start my own business this year.” “I’m going to do what I need to do to have a better relationship with God.”

Sounds familiar?

Of course, these are but a few of the promises we make to ourselves each week, each month, each year and we break them time and time again although we know that if we followed through…it would be to our benefit.  The question is…Why do we NOT complete the task that would make our lives better?  In many cases, it is not due to feeling unworthy to having any of these things; however, we get in our own way of success! 

You may be saying to yourself…no I don’t!  Or you may be saying…you might be on to something!  The first step to getting out of your own way is to acknowledge the ways in which you do so that you can discontinue the behavior and adapt new ones.  Acknowledgement is literally half the battle!

Here are 5 Tips to getting out of your OWN way:

  1. Get Clear On What It Is You Actually Want

First you have to get very clear about what it is YOU want, not what everyone else tells you should want.  This is a major distraction to fulfilling your goals.  When you place energy where it should not be, it takes away from where your energy should be and that is on what makes your heart sing.  If you are unsure as to what that would be then ask yourself these few questions…what would I do if I only had to answer to me?  How does this make me feel inside when I imagine myself achieving it.  If you are still unsure of doing what you want versus what someone else wants, try this…flip a coin!  Yeah just that simple.  See, when you flip a coin; as the coin is in the air…you are very clear which side you want that coin to land.  THAT tells you what is really in your heart.  Once you know what it is you want, then HONOR it by researching what is required to accomplishing it.  This will provide you the blueprint as to what will be your first, second and third step to bringing it to fruition.  Knowing what you want and being very clear as to your goals and your why provides you with a strong foundation to make it possible.

2. Reject The Mindset Of Rejection

Many of us do not even begin to embark on the goals we want for ourselves because we literally have a fear of failure.  Be MORE afraid of being unproductive.  Each day that passes is a day that you can move closer to your goals or further away.  Time is something that NO amount of money can replace!  Many of us focus on past situations that we deem as “failures”.  Let’s redirect and put things into perspective.  As a Life/Business Coach, I do this with my clients, so let’s try it.  Divide your life in 3 stages (For example, if you are 45…then divide your life in these stages i.e. First stage: Birth to 15 years old.  Second stage: 16 Years of age to 30 Years of Age.  Third Stage: 31 years of age to 45 years of age.)  In each stage of your life, write down your accomplishments, regardless of how small they may be and consider what was happening in your life at those moments and see for yourself what you have overcome!  This will assist in helping you rid yourself of the fear of failure because what it shows is that you are actually more successful than you are a “failure.” 

Also, give yourself permission to give yourself a second chance.  Be gentle with yourself!  Stop associating past failures with new ventures!  You can’t have a positive life with a negative mindset!

Utilize the Mathematical Success Formula.  For every ten NO’s, you will eventually receive a YES!  Don’t take things personal, that is the natural order of things, but if you give up, you will never get to your YES!  So understand, you will “fail” at some things, but make use of this as a teachable moment.  What could I have done differently?  Instead of using words like I took an L (referring to Loser), flip it and change it to I took an L (referring to Learning or Lesson).  Here are some examples of those who did just that…Tyler Perry.  He was homeless and wrote his first play that turned into a major film…Diary of a Mad Black Woman!  P. Diddy who was fired from the major record label he was working for and is now the owner of Bad Boy Records and a successful Entrepreneur in fashion, cologne and clothing.  Russell Simmons, who when he launched the careers of Run DMC was flat broke.  Oprah, Iyanla Vanzant and the list goes on!  If they accepted their first no or even ninth NO, would they be where they are today?

3. Limited Beliefs

Napolean Hill said, “Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve!”  You get what you expect!  When you replace negative beliefs with positive ones, your brain will actually TAKE OVER the job of accomplishing that possibility for you.  In fact; it will EXPECT you to achieve that outcome!  Try this every single day before you start your day and before you go to sleep for the next 30 days and see if the mind does not reprogram itself and do what is necessary to make possible what you have been feeding it.  First write down as many Positive Affirmations that you can think of with regard to yourself, that you truly believe in your heart even if you have never uttered it to another soul.  Each day and night for 30 days, speak those affirmations out loud.

Remove the tanglibles that will sabatoge your desired outcome.  For example, set a goal to do an event to launch that business.  Publish that book, lose that weight or save a particular amount of money.  Upon doing this…TELL EVERYONE ABOUT IT!  Why?  Because it will hold you accountable for it…this will be your accountability factor. You do not want to fail, so you just up’d the stakes by informing others.  Keeping it to yourself allows you to walk away as in the past.  Get out of your own way!  Believing in yourself is an attitude and attitude is everything.  Attitudes become a belief system and belief systems become your way of life!  YOU are responsible of letting go of negative thoughts especially those placed on you by others (Family, Teachers, Society and even Parents). 

4. Procrastination

Procrastination is the killer of all dreams!  Each day start your day after speaking your positive affirmations, with a “To Do” list that includes having a timer for each task.  You can even make it the night before.  Start your day off early when it is quiet.  This requires going to bed early the night before as well.  Procrastination is due to a lack of organization.  Do you see how being organized allows you to be PRODUCTIVE?  I learned from one of my previous coaches when I was suffering with the disease of procrastination…eat the frog!  Now you might be like…excuse me?  Eating a frog may seem repulsive to some, but if necessary for survival…you would!  In our day to day life we have to look at this analogy the same way…in order for me to survive, to thrive I have to do what may be hard, but once it is done…the rest is easy.  Start your day off with what is most difficult and everything else on your “to do” list will be a breeze.  Here are 2 tips for those who truly struggle with this:

a. No distractions (Phone, TV and maybe even radio)

b. Clean the space in which you will be working.  Again, organization is the key!

Practice Persistence.  Push through and each time you do, it will be a motivating factor to continue whereas before you would have given up.  It also becomes the NEW habit and a good one at that.  For many, you look at the end goal and become overwhelmed; thus your inaction deemed…procrastination!  Break assignments down to one step at a time…this is less overwhelming and creates progress.  As a bonus…get yourself an accountability partner.  Someone that holds you to your own promises and helps you get out of your own way!  This can be a good friend, a business coach or life coach.

5. Get Rid Of Negative Influences

These are the naysayers, those that put a negative spin to EVERYTHING.  Associate yourself with people who inspire you to take action.  Ask yourself…who would that be in my circle?  If you don’t have any…create a new circle.  Follow people on Social Media that are motivators and for 10 minutes in the morning after your affirmations…say a prayer to remove negative people from your life, listen to a lecture or a brief inspirational video to get you on the right mindset and minimize the time you spend with those who are not trying to accomlish anything!  That includes family and life long friends.  Does that mean totally disassociate yourself?  NO!  The operative word is “minimize”  This is so you can surround yourself with likeminded individuals that will inspire, motivate and help you elevate.  Attend networking events.  This is a great start if you are looking to create a new circle.  Be the connect you need! 

If you follow these 5 Tips…in no time you will accomplish the goals you set for yourself and you will step out of your own way and create a new path of success. 

Asiya Nasir

Chief Empowerment Officer/Founder of J.E.S.S.I.C.A. Cares

 

 

 

Reflections…Journey To Finding You

December 22, 2017 by  
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Surveys, Ratings, Mystery Shoppers, Performance Reviews and the list goes on…we live in a society that promotes being analytical about a situation, relationship or event.  We are constantly being analyzed about our lives, our daily interactions and we analyze what we experience in our lives.  If we patronize a financial institution and a policy we deem is unfair presents itself…we call for change.  With regard to the increase in police brutality amongst individuals of color…we call for reform.

Yet within ourselves…we never look within to analyze our behaviors, we never take the time to do self-reflection.  We never call for change within ourselves.  In the world that we live in today, everything is just go, go, go.  Leaving one to feel like there is no time for introspection and self-reflection.  The reality of it is, in order to grow, develop and become a better individual…we can’t afford not to MAKE the time.  Many have attempted to embark on this journey and have found it very overwhelming and therefore have left it off.

When one looks at something with a negative connotation, it encourages that person to just leave well enough alone.  However, when it comes to personal, spiritual and professional development…we have to change that perception.  Self reflection and introspection is a necessity to positive growth…operative word; POSITIVE.  There are beneficial reasons in which we can look at this self work.  Here are some healthy views with respect to self-reflection; especially as we look into starting a new year:

Tip#1: It Allows You To Notice Negative Patterns

 

Tip#2: Focused On The Bigger Picture

Tip# 3: Prevents You From Worrying About What You Cannot Control

 

Tip# 4: Face Your Fears

Tip# 5: Clearly Defines When You Are Most At Peace

Tip# 6: Self Awareness

 

Tip# 7: Conscious Decisions vs. Emotional Decisions

 

 

 

May The Negative Force Be With YOU: 8 Tips for Avoiding Negative Thinking

November 27, 2017 by  
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So often we are affected by negative thinking; not realizing that what you think about you bring about!  The great thing about the mind is that you can reprogram it for positivity and productivity.  Here are 8 tips to help you avoid negative thinking and give it back to those who want to give it to you:

Tip #1: Set Clear Boundaries

You have to have clear and set boundaries for yourself with regard to allowing negativity to be in your midst, your mind, your heart and your soul.  No one has the right to dump their negativity on you.  So often we feel we have to listen to someone’s negativity in order to be considered a good friend…WRONG!

You control your space and what goes in it.  If the conversation is not serving you well, not elevating your mind, your thought process in life, then WE don’t need to engage in this type of dialogue.  Your mind is like a computer, when a virus enters the hard drive everything in it becomes corrupt and as a computer has Anti Viruses to keep what you have stored from being damaged…so you must have such blockers to preserve all that is positive within you. 

Now don’t get me wrong, at times we all need a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear…but it should NOT be a free for all to allow someone to simply dump that type of energy on you.  You cap it, you limit when you say…ENOUGH! Which brings me to my next tip…

Tip #2: Avoid Complainers-Focus on Solutions

You will be amazed at how so many individuals just like to complain.  It’s almost as if they live for negativity and are addicted to it.  We all have that friend/relative that no matter the time, day of the week, month or even year…when you see their name on your phone as it rings you almost have to brace yourself and say a little prayer as to if you are going to answer the phone or not and if you do; after speaking with them you feel like you need a therapy session.  This is where you apply BOUNDARIES!  Once you see the person repeating what they have already complained about, this is your cue to ask…so what’s the solution?  Then offer to brainstorm together ideas to look  at it from a positive perspective and seek solutions to get out of a negative one.

This also teaches people how you are to be dealt with and how you will deal with them.  If they want to remain negative, they will stop calling you.  PROBLEM SOLVED!

Tip #3: Pick & Choose Your Battles

Everything does not require a response, not everything requires your energy.  When you devote so much time to the non-essential, the non factors…it WILL drain you.  Be clear on what and who needs to be addressed. The rest…continue to observe and make mental notes.  Silence truly is GOLDEN and not saying anything IS saying something.  Sometimes less is more.

Tip #4: Change Your Language

Words have POWER!!!  Avoid using absolutes such as NEVER & ALWAYS because the reality of it is…it isn’t ALWAYS & NEVER.  When you use words like that it distorts the truth and can have you assessing a situation in a skewed view.  Remember, when you speak…YOU are also listening.  So don’t be your worst enemy!

Tip #5: Don’t Take Things Personal

Sometimes your perception of something can be so off the mark because you made something about you and it truly has/had nothing at all to do with you.  That other person may have had a bad day, received some bad news so their interaction with you may be off.  ASK and assess if it is about you or something else. 

Also, when someone does/says something negative towards you, if you know in your heart of hearts it is untrue then do not internalize that.  Hurt people, hurt people.  Bring clarity to each situation so that you do not take someone else’s negative behavior/speech/tone personally.

Tip #6: Be The Positivity You Want To See

Just as a grumpy person can bring moral and a mood down, so does a happy, positive person.  Energy is felt and it is contagious.  Be infectious with positivity.  Give a compliment, a smile, say good morning, ask someone how are they doing and truly LISTEN to the response.  This will keep your mind off of the negativity you see/hear daily just by bringing a little sunshine to someone else’s life.

Tip #7: Let Go & Move On

Sometimes we bring about our own pain and negativity by holding onto things and people who evoke less than happy emotions.  For example, if you have photos of someone who hurt you…why are you still in possession of those photos?  Release the negativity by getting rid of its reminder.  Delete that number, text messages from that individual because each time you look at it no matter the time…it will bring you back to that space in time and with all its negativity.  CLOSE that chapter.  Let go of people who hurt you, who no longer serve you well.  Remove them internally and then externally from your circle.  Negativity is like a malignant cancer, it will get worse unless removed.  Move on!  Sometimes we hold unto things/people who God is trying to protect us from.

Tip #8: Prayer

When you pray, you are asking the one who knows and sees all, the one with Infinite wisdom.  Ask the thing we are most afraid to ask and that is to allow you to see things for what they really are and to see people for who they really are.  Pray for guidance, discernment and then ask for acceptance.  You can never go wrong or live a negative life when taking HIS lead!

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